Fictional

Sungsoo

I’ve been identifying as non-binary for five or six years. In 2018, I was talking to my ex and I realized that my past experiences were ‘transgender’. When I was young, I had experiences and memories of living like a trans girl that stayed with me for a long time, but now I no longer feel that way. I’ve come to realize that I’m neither here nor there, but rather in a comfortable yet ambiguous space—this is what being non-binary means to me.. I’m part of the gay community, but I’ve decided to stop calling myself gay. I’m into guys, but it’s not because of some strictly homosexual reason, so I feel like an outsider in the gay community, which is difficult, especially in a society with tight norms like Korea. I feel like my desires align more closely with those of non-cisgender individuals than cisgender ones. Because the image of who I want to be and the relationships I envision are different, I find dating to be challenging. 

Love, reference

The references for the kind of relationships I aspire to are found in countries other than Korea. Gay Koreans primarily adapt and live within this society, where discussions about queer experiences are already scarce. This often leaves us with only a handful of references for love. I find myself caught in a conflict between my desire to define my non-binary identity and my attraction to the traditional image of masculinity. When it comes to love and relationships, there’s this back-and-forth where we talk about the kind of person we want each other to be, you know? And sometimes, we clash over those differences.

Fiction

I’m particularly fond of Lucy Liu in Kill Bill, and there’s a famous line in the movie:

“The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is… I collect your fucking head.” Japanese yakuza may try to project any image onto Lucy, who is an Asian-American, but she’s already reached that point and warns them, “If any of you question me like that, you’ll all end up dead,” asserting her identity.

Although not a character from from fiction, there are blood-drenched images in Doja Cat’s album Scarlet. They’re on the album cover and were even featured in her stage makeup once. I’m drawn to those images of fiercely feminine characters that exude a sense of carnage. Because I’m designated male at birth and pass as male, the key to my identity and desires lies in how I reveal my hidden femininity.

It’s kind of funny, but I really admire the mom character in Hereditary. I love the scene where she’s burning the dad and yelling at the son. That unfiltered expression of rage resonates with me. I’ve got a lot of anger inside, and living in Korea often feels like being suppressed. Having experienced censorship when trying to express my anger, I really appreciate characters who let their rage out without filters.

In Killing Eve, there’s this character named Villanelle, a psychopathic assassin who’s also a lesbian. She kisses the people she wants to kiss and then kills them. I’m drawn to her image of emitting this unpredictable, fiery energy. When I was younger, I watched Sympathy for Lady Vengeance many times and even memorized all the lines.

Dream & Desire

I’m really hoping to find some inner peace. I want to be creative, but I’m not content just telling my own story. I want to delve deeper and unearth something significant from the fabric of society I’m woven into. When I listen to music, it’s not just about the catchy tune; I’m all about dissecting the lyrics and diving into their deeper meaning. And when I connect with people, I want to share with the world what I’ve gleaned and felt from those interactions, even if the person isn’t some big shot. It’s a dream I hold near and dear to my heart.

I’ve been doing YouTube, and I shot a lot of vlogs in 2022. But now, I’m thinking of shifting gears a bit and really diving into telling my own story. I’m someone with big ambitions. I want to be famous, I want to be on top. When people hear “non-binary,” I want them to think of me.

The more boring you seem in this society, the easier it is to get by. Living as just another face in the crowd, blending in without any individuality, sure, it’s convenient. But for me, I’d rather stand out, even if it means drawing uncomfortable attention. I want to be a vivid presence, loud and clear, where people can’t help but notice me and think, “Hey, there’s someone breaking the mold.” I’d love to be able to freely wear what I want and act as I want, even if it means everyone will stare my way.

Photo by Seyoung Lim
Styling by Yulia Gladkih
Hair & Makeup by Kao

BTS by Seyoung Byun, Seoyoon Eum