JiGook

I came to terms with my identity as a gender-fluid, non-binary transgender man seven years ago. Sometimes I identify as genderless.

I want to show the world my transgendered-ness. I want people to see transgender when they see me. Every so often, it makes me angry when I pass as cisgender instead of being seen and recognized as transgender.

It’s frustrating to feel like I’m being confined to the societal norms of being either a man or a woman. I wish people would believe me when I say I’m transgender.

I want to showcase diversity. In the past, I avoided wearing skirts because I identified myself within the trans-masculine spectrum, but I no longer want to conform to those expectations. Now, I want to freely express myself, even with makeup.

I want the world to know about the diverse identities that exist.

Although I was a singer, I didn’t like my voice. At the time, because of my voice, I passed as a woman. After transitioning, my voice got lower and lower, but when I sang, my throat didn’t function properly and kept cracking. I had lots of regrets about transitioning because I could no longer sing and reach the notes I wanted. This made me questioned whether sacrificing other aspirations for the sake of embracing my true self was truly what I wanted.

Relationship, love

For me, love is not narrow in scope. I love so many things in so many different ways, and I’m afraid that if I were to be in a relationship with someone it would limit the meaning of love to a single definition, so I distance myself from relationships.  

Friendship is love. For me, love is different for everyone. So I don’t want to prioritize any type of love over another. I don’t even know the boundry between what’s romantic and what’s platonic. The way I love is blurry, chaotic, and is of a vast spectrum.

I just hope everyone hurts a little less. I wish for the world to become more trustworthy and safe. I hope my cat lives a long life too.

Fiction

I like Narcissus. When I think of Narcissus falling in love with himself and dying of starvation, I find myself torn between wanting to emulate that and wanting to avoid it altogether.

I’m selfish, narcissistic, and clingy, so I try to be nice to people because I want to be loved as much as possible and because I don’t want people to hate me. I believe, in a way, loving someone and wanting to make them happy is a selfish act.

I also like Brian from Velvet Goldmine. I admire individuals who pave their own course. I envy people who are brutally honest and true to their instincts, those who are sometimes selfish and even arrogant. I want to live life my way, I don’t want to hold back. I don’t want to hide myself. I want to feel as free and uninhibited as I do when I’m on stage. There are those who exude freedom under the spotlight, and Brian is one of them. It’s my dream to live authentically, not just onstage but also behind the scenes, without feeling self-consciousness. Although, admire characters who are candid when I’m in love, I’m not truthful. I suppress my feelings, prioritizing others’ desires over my own.

Impulse

I’m filled with so much anger and I’m constantly trying to suppress it. But deep down, I know I need to stop bottling it up. Like everyone else, I usually have valid reasons for my anger, yet I struggle to express it. I keep repeating to myself, “No, I shouldn’t feel this way,” and I keep it all inside. Eventually, I come to the realization that I shouldn’t let it build up.

My therapist has advised me to embrace my anger and practice expressing it. I’m trying but it doesn’t often work.

Photo by Seyoung Lim
Styling by Yulia Gladkih
Hair & Makeup by Kao

BTS by Seyoung Byun, Seoyoon Eum