Sunghee

I’m a transgender man. I was jealous of boys in school. I would often think that if I were a boy, I could do it better. I would look at the guy I was dating back then and think, “Wouldn’t I be a better boy than him?” This made me wonder why me and the girls around me seemed to only be attracted to toxic guys.

How We’re Seen

There is a focus on trans women, and I think it’s because it’s the female body that is socially seen and desired. If I weren’t a transgender man, would I have given any notice of transgender men? Until a few years ago, while I saw transgender men as men, I did not consider dating them. I thought they would be nerdy like me, obsessed with their genitals, skinny and powerless. I think I was projecting myself onto them⋯. Might it have been self-loathing?

Fiction

I admire Max from Mad Max. He’s quite selfish, but seeing him make difficult choices and mature through various situations was quite impressive. I was really into how he quietly disappeared after the final fight concluded, refusing to bask in the glory of the moment. For me, that’s what it means to be a man.

I also like Mando from The Mandalorian. Mando changes a lot when he meets Grogu. Mandalorians must not take off their helmet in front of others, but Mando shows his face for Grogu. I found it admirable how he could break his oath for a person he loves.

Lastly, I really love the last scene of Rogue One. It’s the one in which Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor are embracing each other. With the rest of the team dead and only Jyn and Andor left, the Imperials fire a planet-destroying laser at them. As the planet is about to explode, they hope for the blueprints’ safe arrival, thank each other, embrace, and die. I felt like that’s the kind of love that can overcome self-loathing. You’re sacrificing yourself for everyone, but you’re also doing it for yourself.

Love and Taboos

I try not to think about what is right and wrong when it comes to love and sex. Being constantly exposed to and learning from things you didn’t choose has nothing to do with being right. I don’t want to be right, I want to live in love and be happy in love. I try to be honest about my desires.

How I define love keeps changing. Right now, for me love is the reason for life. Love makes me more human. I have a desire to be human, to have fun and live a normal life like everyone else.

If I’m not careful, I spiral and lose all meaning of life. In such instances, I wonder why we have to go through it all. But, on the other hand, I do also want to live a good life. For me, love is the reason behind the desire of wanting to live.

Forbidden Thoughts

I would not like to share such thoughts. 

Photo by Seyoung Lim
Styling by Yulia Gladkih
Hair & Makeup by Kao

BTS by Seyoung Byun, Seoyoon Eum