Fictional

Yoon

I am a transgender woman. Realising this fact about myself at an early age, I lived through a somewhat confusing childhood. Currently, I am two years into hormone therapy. At the age of twenty, after recovering from a serious illness, I made a firm resolve to live unapologetically, not being held back by others’ perceptions of me. This is when I found a job, resumed my studies and started HRT. 

As I started my transition, I gradually uncovered parts of myself I had previously not known – be it in the food I like, or the clothes I choose, or the colors that resonate with me. I came to find what makes me comfortable. 

The way they see us

I don’t know how others see us. Whenever I think about how others might perceive me, negative thoughts flood my mind, making me wonder if they see me as a monster. It feels like they see us as different from those leading regular lives, like we don’t belong with everyone else.

Dream

I started transitioning knowing that I needed to reclaim my life. When I was twenty, I found out I had a brain tumor. I thought I was actually going to die. I miraculously survived with surgery. But I felt empty. I did not know if I deserved to live. But from then on, I decided to live as I wanted not minding others’ opinions of me. 

I didn’t know this about myself, but many have told me that I seem interested in fashion. I just dressed well because I wanted to, but maybe that means I’m interested in fashion. I think I do a lot of things subconsciously rather than consciously thinking about what I want to do. I only come to realize certain traits of mine when others tell me about them.

Fiction

There was a time when I identified with Gothel from Rapunzel, Rapunzel’s mother. I believed that was love for me. I saw love as controlling someone to fulfil selfish desires and maintain stability. Did Mother Gothel really love Rapunzel? Did she solely use Rapunzel for her own gains? Was there no love at all?
I also like the manga character Nana. The stories in which she battles between her dreams and love are still vivid in my memory. Nana focuses on her own happiness, understanding what she wants, pushing forward, and cherishing her freedom. She’s the type to keep her flaws hidden, but her weakness seems to be love.

Love

I’m not quite sure what love is. When I look at my cat, I feel a definite sense of love. I think I understand the love of taking care of and giving to this creature, but I don’t think I know what romantic love is. Even in relationships, I’ve only engaged in a form of love where I exploit and suppress to get what I want. I wish I could find someone I could genuinely love.

Impulses

Sometimes when I look into the mirror, I feel like I want to die. Since I was young, I have felt that life is meaningless, and I’ve wanted to erase myself from this world. Sometimes I even curse at myself in front of the mirror. I don’t understand why I want to destroy myself and what aspect of me is to dislike. So, there have been times when I’ve been scared of myself. I’ve been afraid of myself; I don’t know what I might do, so sometimes I tremble alone in my room. However, recently, there have been moments when I look into the mirror and feel like I’m loving myself.

Photo by Seyoung Lim
Styling by Yulia Gladkih
Hair & Makeup by Kao

BTS by Seyoung Byun, Seoyoon Eum